Thursday, July 22, 2010

Gizmo KaKa

Rated R for sexually suggestive language.

Never expose a Mogwai to bright lights, never put it in water, and never feed it after midnight.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

What Women Want (minus Helen Hunt)

Mel Gibson lost me as a fan shortly after The Patriot, but I’ve been digging his new spoken word recordings. His talents as an actor plateaued in Lethal Weapon 2 when he broke the neck of a South African nationalist by slamming it in a car door four times. After that it was Martin Riggs with a blue face and then Martin Riggs in a George Washington wig. Mel’s career was going the way of Jean-Claude Van Damme, but like other great artists of the 1980’s—Bono, Madonna, and Rodney Dangerfield—he has reinvented himself. He has become the greatest, ultra-conservative performance artist of our time.

He’s done so by transforming the loony anger of Martin Riggs into a brilliant hybrid of Rush Limbaugh, GG Allin, Moe, Larry, and Curly. Compared to Mel, Glen Beck is nothing more than Shirley Temple with a military buzz and small penis; Dennis Miller nothing more than a right wing thesaurus. Listening to Mel threaten and belittle his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva is like listening to Hitler read Goethe. His demeaning phraseologies will be adopted by misogynists throughout the English-speaking world the same way that certain Seinfeld expressions have become part of our everyday parlance.

Mel’s new art form got off to a shaky start. His homophobic statements of 1997 were too polemical. Any pansy-ass can be a homophobe. His anti-Semitic tirade of ‘06 was too esoteric. But like William Wallace, Mel never gave up despite being disemboweled by the liberal media. He kept swinging, until finally, he landed something…a straight right to the mouth of his girlfriend. Mel Gibson is a first rate misogynist of biblical proportions. He is a new man with a whole new career. I can only think of Babe Ruth stepping off the mound in favor of a bat, or Julian Schnabel quitting art in favor of film. Mel Gibson was born to hate on women. Aside from his explosive temper, he’s got the bloated alcoholic face, which makes him look like the consummate wife beater. Combine all this with his almost Vince Vaughn-like knack for dishing out verbal abuse, and you have the conservative man’s Andy Kaufman.

But enough from me. Judge his genius for yourself. He crafted the following stanza after Oksana denied him a blowjob before having sex in the Jacuzzi.

I deserve to be blown first!/Before the fucking Jacuzzi!
I'll burn the goddamn house down/but blow me first!

The next stanza is wildly metaphysical, as brilliant as anything Donne penned.

You have no fucking soul. And my soul is screaming
because you don't have one to join mine!

Here’s where he gets Three Stooges.

You need a bat on the side of the head. How about that?

In the following quartet, he is simultaneously racist and misogynistic. The quartets of Pound and Eliot never came close to this kind hateful multitasking.

You're an embarrassment to me.
You look like a fucking bitch in heat
and if you get raped by a pack of niggers,
it will be your fault.

His eye for the female body is also reminiscent of Donne. Here he is on Oksana’s breasts.

They look ridiculous.
Get rid of them, why don’t you.
They look stupid; it’s just an appraisal.
Keep them if you want. Look stupid.
See if I give a fuck, but they’re too big
and they look stupid.
They look like a Vegas whore.

Everyone knows that Russ Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly don’t believe a word of what they say. They’re neo-con WWF wrestlers. It’s all show. It’s all for the ratings. Only lower middle class dingalings and misled Christians buy their acts. Mel, on the other hand, believes and lives by everything he says. You cannot separate the dancer from the dance, nor Mel from the misogyny. He lives and breathes sexism. He walks the talk. And to put the sour icing on the cake, he recently donated $25K to a women’s center in Boston. He’s a bigger douche than Pontius Pilate!

Of course this is all sexist bullshit. Can you imagine a woman celebrity being that violent and hateful towards her lover? The public would stone her. Hollywood would throw acid in her face. We wouldn’t find it as funny. We wouldn’t find it as clever. We are all sexist in this regard. We all know that women are morally superior to men. Betsy Ross was right when she said, “All men fucking suck.” For this reason there’s a double standard when it comes to women being abusive to men. We unfairly expect better from them.

For example, what if Sandra Bullock flipped out on Jesse James? What if he taped her berating him? What would she say? How would she say it? I’m not sure, but I do know that Sandra Bullock looks like my mother. I also know that my mother acts and sounds like Mel Gibson when she’s drunk on vodka. She’s threatened to cut my dick off. She’s threatened to stab me in my sleep. She once punched me in the face until she was too winded to lift her arms. Don’t worry. It didn’t hurt. She and I sometimes laugh about it now, but what about poor Sandra Bullock? Would we want to hear a four volume box set of her shitting all over her husband? Would the transcript find itself on every major blog and newspaper in the English-speaking world? Again, I’m not sure, but I’ve written up some samples so we can experiment. I’ve written them with the voice of my mother and the words of Mel Gibson in mind. I hope you find them entertaining.

You balding piece of shit! You’d be working on Huffies if it wasn’t for me bailing you out all the time!

I’ll torch your entire fucking bike shop, but eat me first!

You need a ratchet to the side of the head! Can you dig that?

You dare fall asleep on me! Truth be told, I barely fucking noticed! You lick pussy like a stroke victim!

You’re an embarrassment! You look like a washed-up, biker hillbilly. If you get raped by a pack of toothless hermits it will be your fault. At the very least, I hope your dick gets ripped off by a flock of Asian masseuses.

It’s just not the same. It’s too emasculating for the patriarchal mainstream. Nobody wants to listen in on a man being verbally castrated. Men only want to hear women screaming at other women. Cat fight! Meow! Supposedly there is a recording somewhere of Sandra Bullock screaming at one of James’ former fuck dolls, an ex-porn star. Now that’s something that all men want to hear, especially if Sandra’s speaking her native German! It’d be like listening to Eva Braun read Rilke.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Birth Control

A short story published in the newest issue of Emprise Review. Thanks again, Amber. This story has got Ghengis Kahn and my father's missing middle finger. It does not talk about me losing my mom's teeth. That one's coming soon.